Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
