Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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