I looked at my own cervix.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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