So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
