I just cut my nipple shaving
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize