is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
