Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
