remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
