just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize