I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize