The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
