if you like me you must not know who I am
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
