are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
