he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
