You can't motorboat a personality
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
