She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
