do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
