Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
