And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
