someone threw a dead crab at me
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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