So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
