I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
