Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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