Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize