new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
