shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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