I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
