That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
