im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
