Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
