Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
3 2 1 whiskey
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
