Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize