mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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