dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
