cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
