worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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