My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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