My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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