he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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