"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
