We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Drunk is a universal language darling
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
