I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
