U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
