I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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