God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
