He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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