I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
