see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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