I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
