Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize