You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
