My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
