Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
