Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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