How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
