He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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