So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
