you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
