Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
