My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize