theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
