i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
