I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They have beer where we have blood.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
