I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
