my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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