Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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