Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
