The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
