Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize